Y2K, Breath Stuff, and Dr. Seuss
It is hard to believe that it has been 15 years since entering the new millenium and surviving the mild panic associated with Y2K. For those needing a refresher, Y2K posed a potential computer programming glitch based on the abbreviated year turning from 99 to 00. The fear was this glitch would cause worldwide computer systems to fail. We were warned of the collapse of financial institutions, the electrical grid, etc., with inevitable riots and looting to follow. As an 18 year-old college freshman without a penny to my name, I didn’t get too worked up about it.
I did feel an intense energy for life however as I introduced myself to the new millenium. If New Year’s is our annual reset button, how significant is the New Millenium, I thought. Instead of taking life lessons learned from one year and carrying them over to the new year, I took 18 years of life lessons and hit reset. Now, one of those life lessons was the importance of Good Breath if I wanted the best chance of gaining the favor of the opposite sex.
I remember it like it was yesterday. I was your normal 14 year old boy; in other words I was girl crazy, and my oral hygiene could use some improvement (standard male adolescent warning label). I was in the school gymnasium after the Pep Rally for the Homecoming football game and I approached a certain young lady and gave her my best line like, “so...do you like The Simpsons or...whatever?” The response I got was, “ew, your breath stinks.” Two Emotions: 1)Mortified!! and 2)Never Again!! Instantaneous Oral Hygiene Wizard Status.
So now that the cat’s out of the bag let’s talk about breath: the good, the bad, and the really bad. As an oral health provider I can identify different types of oral disease blindfolded. Gum disease has it’s own scent, significant tooth decay presents with it’s own unique bouquet, and infected teeth their own flavor. I’m reminded of this on every crowded elevator...yep. Fortunately, especially among the lovely devotees of 406 Woman magazine, these are the exception rather than the rule. So let’s focus on the rule.
Morning Breath?
Show me someone who claims they don’t have bad morning breath and I’ll show you a liar. The key to understanding why our breath smells first thing in the morning is to first understand why it doesn’t smell the rest of the time. As we go about our usual daylight business, bacteria are at work breaking down all the amino acids, proteins, and other chemicals left behind in our mouths from our last meal. This process produces volatile sulfur compounds (VSCs) like hydrogen sulfide, dimethyl sulfide, and methyl mercapatan, which are responsible for the funk. In our waking hours, our own saliva washes away the bacteria before they can do their smelly damage; when we fall asleep, our saliva production calls it a night, too. In the absence of much saliva, the VSC-causing bacteria run wild, and the sulfuric compounds build up until their grand unveiling in the morning.
It’s a simple equation—mouth plus bacteria minus saliva equals yuck—but the bad news is that there’s not much we can do about it. Brushing before bed will help minimize the damage by reducing the amount of compounds for the bacteria to feed on, and drinking a glass of water before bed will compensate at least a little bit for the impending loss of saliva. Other than that, keep your mouth locked down in the morning until you can get to a toothbrush, and we’ll all live happier, fresher-smelling lives.
What about...Coffee Breath?
The worst, right? The foods and liquids that cause the worst odors are those that include the highest sulfur compounds, such as coffee. Much like when we’re asleep, the caffeine in coffee can dry out our mouth by slowing saliva production. Another reason is simply that coffee has a very strong odor that smells worse than it tastes. It goes without saying that if we do not conduct an assault on morning breath, it will only combine with your morning coffee death, I mean breath.
What Can We Do About It?
In addition to brushing, flossing, and antibacterial mouthrinse (the holy trinity of oral hygiene), one should know their dental hygienist on a first name basis and should use that name at least twice a year. Drink lots of water during the day when you can’t brush. Consider sugarless gums and/or mints that contain xylitol; And If you smoke will you knock it off already? Please.
That rude little girl told me my breath stunk. Thank you.
The late and great Dr. Seuss wrote a children’s book titled: “Oh, The Places You’ll Go!” And while it is not stated specifically, the books feels aimed at 18 year olds. Titled with the perfect response 2015 Me would say to the Y2K Me if given the chance: “Oh, the places you’ll go...punk.”
I wouldn’t ruin the surprise or lessen the adventure. I’d resist the temptation to say, “you know that canadian girl you met when you were 15 that you can’t stop thinking about? Welp, you marry her and have 3 amazing children with another on the way.” I’d bite my tongue and omit the 3 years where he explored every nook and cranny of San Francisco while becoming a dentist. No, I wouldn’t want his head to explode. Lastly, I’d flash a smile knowing that at 18 years old he spends his days dreaming of the Flathead Valley and wishing he could live there someday.
And if by chance 2030 Me makes an appearance I hope he would say: You're off to Great Places! Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting. So get on your way!...punk.
Read Y2K, Breath Stuff, and Dr. Suess from Dr. John F. Miller in 406 Woman.